Sunday, November 27, 2011

God is not good, or existent (that I can see) but life is....

Sometimes when I don't write in my blog for so long, it is because I am having a difficult time. But lately, I really am doing well.

I have been working on healing myself. I am no longer in a relationship of any kind. I feel fulfilled and happy to be on my own for the first time in my life. My breakup with my last girlfriend was tough, but I learned a lot about myself. Rather than ask myself (when I make mistakes) what was I thinking? I am learning to ask myself, What was I learning? I can definitely say I have been learning a lot.

I have learned to ignore people who don't like or understand the fact that I am bisexual. Nothing is going to change that. I really don't think I would change myself, even if I could. I like being this way. It is difficult when my parents don't acknowledge the fact that I am, or when they think I am choosing to be this way, or when other people judge me and think I am just unable to make up my mind. But honestly, I like myself! I still feel pain every day when I think about my parents and the way they disapprove of me. No matter how old I get, I still want my parents to love me and to be proud of me. I am pretty sure they love me, but I wonder if they will ever accept me as I am and be proud of the person that I am.

Yes, I am still an atheist. I always will be. Until I see some real evidence that there is a god, which every day convinces me more and more that there isn't, then I will stick with logic and just say we have this one life, so I am going to do everything I can to make it great. I feel less angry about the way I was raised. I can see my parents were just doing the best they could. I can see they turned to religion as a way to cope with life. I understand that. I am trying to learn to judge them less and to understand things from their perspective. They are really good grandparents to my kids and I appreciate that they spend time with Noah almost every week and that they drive him to Boyscouts. He enjoys spending time with them too.

Noah and me on his birthday: November 1st
I have also learned that I am stronger than I thought possible. 75 days ago, I started working out and counting my calories. In the beginning, my reasons for this were strictly to get into my favorite jeans that had become tight. Now I realize I have gained a whole lot more out of this experience. I have gained confidence! I never thought I would be motivated enough to stick with a program like this. But I just keep telling myself I can do it!I realize I can do so much more than I give myself credit for- which has helped me in every area of my life. So far I have lost 13 pounds. I have about 7 more pounds to my goal weight. My jeans that I wanted to fit me are now baggy. :) I bought some news ones!

Things I want to continue to work on:
1) Being more accepting of people who have different beliefs than I do.
2) Trying to see things from the perspective of others.
3) Forgiving people who have hurt me.
4) Letting things go. Sometimes I am just too sensitive and I get my feelings hurt very easily.
5) Being the best and most moral person that I can be so that I can show others that imaginary beings are not what makes us good people. WE are what makes us good people. WE have it all inside of us.

Who would have known there were abs under there?
I will be writing again soon. I just wanted to give a quick update.

Thanks to those who read my blog! I appreciate it!

A special and BIG thanks to Vyckie Garrison for all the mentions on Twitter. Check out her awesome blog here:

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